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Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Women really aren't that complicated guys...

“The mysteries of a woman’s heart are as deep and unfathomable as the depths of the ocean.”
At least that’s what one of my oldest and dearest male friends seems to think, because that sentence actually came out of his mouth. We got a chance to catch up recently, and as is usually the case when I hear from him – he was looking for a little “insight into deciphering the “complexities of the feminine mind” (again, his words - he's a lawyer, so I try to cut him some slack for his tendency to overpopulate sentences with polysyllabic words).
First, I gave him some well-deserved grief for seeing Titanic a “few” too many times… because I just had to. I mean, really?!? He knows how I feel about Leo. Did he think I wouldn’t know where that line came from?  Although I did give him props for embellishing the line a bit. James Cameron - great action director... great screenwriter, not so much (in my opinion). And for those of you who have NO idea what I’m talking about…watch Titanic sometime. 

It’s not the first time I’ve heard a man say it’s impossible to figure out how a woman thinks, but let me tell you a little secret, guys... 
We’re not that complicated. 
Yes, we're biologically different. Yes, our brains are wired differently. Our mental, emotional, and aesthetic needs might be different too. Each and every one of us is unique, but there are some truths that just seem to speak to the majority. So for all of you guys out there pondering the “complexities of a woman’s mind" – because come ON. We KNOW that’s what you do – let me shed a little light on the subject.
Here are 25 facts, in no particular order, about the female psyche that are tried and true (for the most part). I can’t promise they’ll help you get you lucky, but it can’t hurt to have a few more tricks up your sleeve. Right?!?
1. “Fine” is never an appropriate answer when we ask you how we look.
2. We go to the bathrooms in groups. Deal with it. Think of it as a commercial break.
3. Female upkeep costs some serious cash money. And yes. Waxing hurts. In fact, it can be the subject of nightmares.
4. Yes. We’re judging your outfit… and if you think it’s okay to wear running sneakers in a bar, we’re judging that, too.
5. If you ask us out directly – especially when you exercise your vocal cords and actually pick up a phone to do it verbally and not just via text – we will usually say yes.
6. Any woman that is worth your effort will not wait around for you to eventually show it.
7. It is not a myth. When we have our periods, we are 10 more times likely to cut a bitch. So tread lightly.
8. Only Rockstars are allowed to wear leather pants.
9. Calling another girl a slut only makes us think you’d do the same to us.
10. Most of us understand the fact unless it’s a g-string and/or pasties, you don’t really care what we’re wearing. But pretending you do care is welcomed. We like it when you do, even if you're just pretending.
11. If we sleep with you, we believe without a doubt you owe us a text. (Even if we don’t actually want it.) If we stay over, you owe us breakfast.
12. If you do something bad and we seem cool with it, we’re not. If you have to ask if we're ticked or not, we are.
13. No matter what she may tell you, once you lose a girl’s trust, chances are you will never get it back.
14. A good manicure can change the course of our whole day.
15. We talk a lot about sex. Probably more than you do.
16. Oral is a good “get out of the dog house” card. Manolo Blahnik shoes work well too.
17. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches the color of your eyes.
18. How you treat the women in your family is a direct indication of how you will treat us.
19. We will always trust our guy friends to keep it real.
20. To sum up a woman’s take on shaving in the winter… “ain’t nobody got time for that.”
21. Lead. Don’t follow. We are attracted to leaders. It’s in our DNA, and it makes you more interesting. Being a man-child/crybaby is never attractive.
22. Unless you’re at a beach or a gym, when she says she’s not wearing makeup, she’s full of it.
23. A guy with a pretty face may be fun, but a guy with some wit is lethal. A guy with both... Killer combo. 
24. She may not have “liked” that picture, but she probably saw it.
25. Hoes before bros. Always.
And here's one more… just because I’m feeling generous.

Even at our weakest, we’re stronger than you give us credit for.

You’re welcome…

"Give me a firm spot on which to stand, and I shall move the earth." - Archimedes. Now feel free to tell me my hair looks nice even if you're just pretending. Because women like that. You should also feel free to paint me like one of your French girls...  ;-) 

1 comment:

  1. The quintessential difference lies in the answer to the question, "what are you thinking?"

    When I woman answers, "nothing," to a man, it means something like, "a whole hell of a lot; it's really important too... how can you not get what I am feeling, read my mind, and tell me what i need to hear... you must not care about me after all...." inner monologue continues for hours...

    When a man answers, "nothing," to a woman, it means- NOTHING! We aren't really thinking of anything. After all the times we are accused of being empty-headed, is it really that much of a stretch to believe?