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Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Bad Dating Advice for Superheroines of Today...


I had an interesting conversation with a friend recently about "The Rules". 

You know. The Rules. Single ladies, you know what I’m talking about. The rules all those self-help books and magazine articles lay out about dating. The rules that encourage women to leave men in charge of making all the moves. The rules that encourage women to stay mysterious. Because men are the aggressors and they prefer to be in charge. Right?!? The rules that are supposed to help attract a soul mate - the man we’ve been dreaming about since we were little girls. Our own real-life Superman who will swoop in and carry us off to a fabulous life - especially if he looks like Christopher Reeve or Henry Cavill or Robert Downey Jr. or Chris Evans or Christian Bale or Hugh Jackman. Michael Keaton would work nicely too.
Come on, ladies...If you play by the rules you are guaranteed success! The books and articles promise. And don’t let the fact that approximately 50 % of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce convince you otherwise. Guess what? I have some even better terrible advice. And it will make you so infuriated and frustrated over trying to attract a date that you will just be downright psyched to be single.
Are you ready? 
It’s really quite simple, actually. Be Impossible.
A major component of The Rules is letting the man be the aggressor in a budding relationship and, to some extent, a relationship that already exists. Don’t make the first move. Don’t look too interested. Don’t reveal a lot of information about yourself… You get the idea. And don’t worry, same-sex couples, this applies to you too. The key is playing hard to get. Because only hookers and Kardashians are easy to get. Am I right? So don’t be a dirty hooker or a Kardashian, ladies.
So here is my advice on how to Be Impossible and find a mate who will be so tortured over figuring you out that he or she will vow to spend the rest of their lives trying to figure you out. And in the process, you will become so annoyed and disturbed that you will vow to spend the rest of your life becoming your own soul mate.
Be Invisible: Don’t just wait for the first move - hide from it. Don’t even make yourself available for a move. Find some shady spot, and stay away from anyone who might attempt to make eye contact with you. Or better yet,  actually become invisible, like the Invisible Woman herself, Sue Storm (Storm-Richards to be precise. Hey. She got the ring!!). Or project an invisible force field around you and the nice person serving you alcoholic drinks. But whatever you do, don’t put yourself out there and make your existence obvious. Make him find you. I hear “Marco Polo” is a very romantic way to locate an invisible person. The thrill of the chase!

Be Telepathic: This will save you from making a fool of yourself by making assumptions. Just know what a potential mate is thinking already. Read his mind! You can try to learn, but it really helps to be a mutant born with this power, like Jean Grey. Or, acquire this ability through some type of radiation. (I hear Fukushima is beautiful this time of year!) But don’t be in his face about it. Don’t tell him what you already know. Keep it to yourself, even if it’s important. You don’t want to look like you’re smarter than he is. Because that will only threaten him! In fact, if you fall in love hard enough, the psychic constipation will only enhance your telepathic abilities! BONUS!!! Being able to predict your mate’s every desire will surely lead to an engagement - if you keep your mouth shut. But if you can’t be psychic…
Be Fit: Remember -  always up to you to be the attractive one in the relationship. That means working out. Consider mixing up your workouts. Do something a little out of your comfort zone, like becoming a trained assassin like Black Widow. Or maybe a Grecian ninja assassin like Elektra. That’s not easy.You need to be on your toes to develop ninja skills, but your reward is looking really great in a tight dress! And that’s what gets the men looking at you. But don't forget that while they’re looking, you don’t look back under any circumstances. You don’t want them to know you’re interested, remember? You don’t want them to make all those phone calls you’re not going to answer. You want them looking at you, desiring you, worshiping you… without knowing anything about you. Let them make up their own fantasies about you. Let them write fan fiction about you. And if they find anything out about you, or you accidentally spill some info, don't worry. You can just kill them and move on to the next one.
Be Superhuman: I think this is really the only logical thing you can be in order to properly date anyone. Because the only path to a successful relationship is to be not only a perfect physical specimen who can anticipate someone else’s every thought, but also someone who has to keep the most important things about oneself a secret. These people are superhuman - whether they acquired their super powers via a tragic accident that should have been fatal or whether they were born that way. We keep our standards so high that this seems to be the only course of action for falling in love successfully.
So just to review... 
Be Impossible. Be Fictional. 
Better yet, just be single.

Yes. That's me. I just climbed this cliff. Naked. To watch the sunset. And I’m going to climb back down again in the dark. Because I can. Go ahead. Write some fan fiction about that. You know you want to... ;-)