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Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Save me, Bea Arthur... You're my only hope.



I’ve heard about it for years. Turned down invitations to Cosplay Wookiee Life Day parties just trying to stay away from it. I thought I would have the strength to continue along my path of blissful ignorance forever. Stay pure. But this year, I couldn’t resist it’s power.

The power… of the Star Wars Holiday Special.

I know!!!
WHY?!?!?!?!?
What can I say. I was weak. (And baking surrounded by booze).

I thought I was prepared. My expectations were low. That’s where I went wrong. WAY wrong. I shouldn’t have had ANY expectations. I was hoping it would be bad in a “so bad it’s good kinda way” – you know, like a Nicholas Cage movie. It's Star Wars!!! Some people who know me would say I'm a little bit of a fan. 

I mean... how bad could it be? The stories can't all be true. 

Let me just say… WOW! 

Now I understand why it has never been re-broadcast since it first aired in 1978 or released for sale. I understand why one writer wrote, "I'm not convinced the special wasn't ultimately written and directed by a sentient bag of cocaine". (That was a fun sentence for me to type, by the way). Why George Lucas himself has reportedly said, "If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every copy of that show and smash it." Granted, the bootleg version (which is the only kind you can get) wasn't the best quality... but I don't think seeing it in HD would have helped. 

Trust me.

I found myself staring at the screen with my mouth open. Nothing made any sense. We're on Kashyyyk...Chewbacca's home planet where his family is scurrying around a treehouse with astroturf carpet. The first 10 minutes are spoken in Wookiee without subtitles, and I can't understand what they're trying to say with they're hand gestures. I'm so confused! 

We meet Chewie's wife, who is wearing an apron and watching a weird cooking show where a 4-legged humanoid played by Harvey Korman is cooking Bantha Surprise. Chewie's son, Lumpy, is playing with a holographic table that shows acrobats in neon. Chewie's grandpa, Itchy, has what I'm going to call a special moment watching a hologram of a discoed-out Diahann Cannon and we find out he likes his ladies shaved.

No. I'm not making this up. 

And that's when things got REALLY weird... 

Two words: 
Jefferson Starship

I'll just leave that there for you to ponder in case some of you want to experience the joy, that IS the Star Wars Holiday Special yourself. I don't want to ruin all the surprises. I will tell you that Chewbacca and Han are trying to get back to Kashyyyk to celebrate Life Day, which is like Thanksgiving for Wookiees, but the Empire keeps getting in the way. I thought it would get better when Luke, Leia, and some of the other characters from the original trilogy showed. Not so much.

Luke Skywalker. 
Wearing guyliner. 

Princess Leia. 
Singing. 
And obviously high from inhaling some of that white powder on Hoth. 

Boba Fett made his debut in animated form.
I liked that. He was kind of pastel and had a Loch Ness Monster for a side-kick... 
But he was still BOBA FREAKING FETT!

I wanted to stick around for Bea Arthur, I really did...because Bea Arthur as a Wookiee would be pretty sweet! But I knew she wasn't playing a Wookiee. And after an hour, I'd had about as much of the Star Wars Holiday Special as I could take. 

What can I say. I was alone. And I used all the booze is for the cookies.

Thank you, George Lucas. During the holiday season everyone is doing their part to spread cheer. But the Universe demands balance, as you know. Because THE FORCE! All the sadness and cruelty in the world have to go somewhere. Thanks to you, all that negative energy has just gone into my computer and exited as the Star Wars Holiday Special. 

While I'm giving thanks to George I feel I should apologize to him too. So here it is: 

I'm sorry, George Lucas. You really aren't all about the money. Because if you were, you would release the Star Wars Holiday Special on Blue Ray for those fans who MUST have a complete collection of EVERYTHING Star Wars - even all the versions you changed when you didn't really need to. You could even release multiple versions of the Holiday Special if you wanted to... with different special features each time: like what guyliner is Mark Hamill's personal fave; Harrison Ford's commentary on what he really thought of getting stuck participating; and whatever it was Carrie Fisher was doing to prepare before the direction called "action". But you didn't. So I was wrong about you, George Lucas. You aren't ALL about the money. 

But....
HAN SHOT FIRST!!!!!!! 

If any of you would like a little taste, or experience the crazy all over again... here you go. 
Happy Holidays! And may the Force be with You... Always... 
:-)


Friday, December 20, 2013

Save me the turkey neck, Clark...


It’s hard to believe, but it’s that time again. I know!!!!  It's “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year!”
Who came up with that phrase, anyway?
Anyone?
Anyone?
Bueller?
I’ll bet it was a New Yorker. Or maybe it was a sarcastic, simplistic, yet creative genius much like…
No. I’m not talking about myself. Although I suppose the phrase could’ve been coined by a woman. I did say sarcastic, remember? And that doesn’t sound like me at all. But who really cares. It’s not what I want to talk about right now.
The holidays are upon us, and heading home can often be a stressful process. First you have to make travel arrangements. 
Stressful. 
If you're flying you have to deal with long lines at the airport. 
Stressful.
Then you get to deal with TSA screenings that can be interesting at times. (Is it normal for the screener to ask you to lift your shirt?)  
All just to get home to face your family. That can be scary. Especially when two words are involved:
Family. Dinner.
For some, family dinners may be something they look forward to - especially during the holidays. But for countless others, the experience of having your immediate and extended family members under one roof, fighting over who gets the turkey neck can be as painful as a root canal. 
If you fall into that category don’t lose heart.
You are not alone!
There are plenty of others out there who make the long (or short) journey home to have dinner with a group of people who just don't get you. You braved hours of traffic. Waited in those long lines at the airport. Survived those sensual TSA screenings... all in order to share a fabulously amazing meal at home and catch up with your nearest and dearest.
Riiiiiiiight.
It’s never fabulously amazing, is it? The turkey is dry. The vegetables are vegetables. The cranberry sauce is from the can. I mean. Come ON! I sat on a crowded plane for hours with someone kicking the back of the seat for hours while the woman next to me got hammered at told me her entire life story then tried to set me up with her brother - a plumber, who she said would be happy to come over and take care of my pipes for free... anytime. At least order dinner from Marie Calendar's. 
But it’s too late. You have no other choice to but to accept it. You’re home. And you’re probably the most interesting and most judgmental one at the table. At this very second your cousin is probably reading an article on how to deal with my “from-the-big-city-I-think-I-am-too-fabulous-family-member”.
So buckle up. Prepare yourself for stimulating dinner conversation about marriage, houses, kids, babies, school systems, politics, and healthcare.gov.
And let’s not forget about the questions.
THE QUESTIONS!!
I don’t know about you, but I believe subtlety is important when answering those inevitable questions that come along with those family holiday dinners. It’s ok. Take some deep breaths. Calm down, ask for more wine, and feel free to use some of the following responses I've used over the years to get me through:
“Why are you so dressed up?”
You can respond to this with something like, “You’re so sweet! I realized when I was packing all of my nice clothes are still at the cleaners. I’ve had so many events, fundraisers, and parties to go… I mean – does it ever stop?! I’ve got a bunch of New Year's Eve parties coming up too when I get back...so I should really find the time to go pick those up. I’m SO sorry I came so casually to dinner. That’s not usually my thing."
Now you can turn the tables. Why not? They already think you’re a b*tch. 
“Don’t you look cute, Sally! Boot-cut jeans?! That’s so cool. I LOVE vintage. Cousin Amy come over here. Check out her jeans. Shut up!!! They’re NOT vintage? Wow! I haven’t seen jeans like that since high school. We’ve got this FABULOUS vintage shop by me that has high-rise vintage flares from the 70s. Those aren’t high-rise are they? Yeah, I didn’t think so.”
You can continue along these lines and whatever you do... do NOT stop talking about yourself and your dry cleaner until the family member you aren't in the mood to talk to walks away.  
At some point, you can expect this stupid question from everyone at the table that already knows the answer.
“So? Tell us, who are you dating?”
Take the high road. Respond with something along the lines of, “I’m exploring my options. I’ve found a few worthy of my time, but why should I settle? Britney, your wedding was just beautiful, by the way!”
You could also say, "I'm still getting over my breakup with Ryan Gosling/Joseph Gordon-Levitt/whatever celebrity you want to insert here. He really broke my heart". Bonus points if you throw in a few tears. Works every time.
Time for more wine? I thought so too. 
Because there will always be at least one family member who refuses to give up on the subject of your love life. Prepare for another stupid question:
“Where are you meeting people?”
Between us, let’s be honest...Tinder, J-Date, beer pong at your local hipster bar. But it's okay to keep the truth to yourself and politely answer, “Oh, you know, conferences, church, all the charity events I've been going to and that's why all my nice clothes are at the cleaners. I meet people all the time!" 
Feel free to turn the tables again by asking some questions of your own. Look at your cousin's manicure and casually say, "I love that color! That's OPI's, 'I'm Not Really a Whore,' right?" 
She'll probably be very confused. Everyone at the table is going to be confused. PERFECT! Keep asking questions. Then talk about yourself, but keep things vague, and only use one-word answers.
Then, expect this stupid question from someone: 
“When are you going to settle down, get married, have a family, and move to the suburbs?”
Respond with, “When I decide life is no longer worth living.”
At this point, NO ONE at the table should want to talk to you, but unfortunately, these topics might still come up:
“My friend just had a baby!” says your overly excited cousin, Michael. To which you can reply, “What a nightmare! Having to cart around a baby stroller? No thanks."
"I just got engaged!"  You answer, "Congratulations! I didn't even notice your ring. Come closer so I can see it. It's beautiful." 
You still don't eat meat?" You 
reply, “Relevance?” Which will totally lead to awkward silence...which is awesome because you are TOTALLY DOMINATING the table right now. 
Congratulations. You have survived. Until next year... And maybe Aunt Bethany will still be around to say grace.

Remember what I said earlier about sarcastic not sounding like me at all. Maybe I was wrong about that.  ;-) 


Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Women really aren't that complicated guys...


“The mysteries of a woman’s heart are as deep and unfathomable as the depths of the ocean.”
At least that’s what one of my oldest and dearest male friends seems to think, because that sentence actually came out of his mouth. We got a chance to catch up recently, and as is usually the case when I hear from him – he was looking for a little “insight into deciphering the “complexities of the feminine mind” (again, his words - he's a lawyer, so I try to cut him some slack for his tendency to overpopulate sentences with polysyllabic words).
First, I gave him some well-deserved grief for seeing Titanic a “few” too many times… because I just had to. I mean, really?!? He knows how I feel about Leo. Did he think I wouldn’t know where that line came from?  Although I did give him props for embellishing the line a bit. James Cameron - great action director... great screenwriter, not so much (in my opinion). And for those of you who have NO idea what I’m talking about…watch Titanic sometime. 

It’s not the first time I’ve heard a man say it’s impossible to figure out how a woman thinks, but let me tell you a little secret, guys... 
We’re not that complicated. 
Yes, we're biologically different. Yes, our brains are wired differently. Our mental, emotional, and aesthetic needs might be different too. Each and every one of us is unique, but there are some truths that just seem to speak to the majority. So for all of you guys out there pondering the “complexities of a woman’s mind" – because come ON. We KNOW that’s what you do – let me shed a little light on the subject.
Here are 25 facts, in no particular order, about the female psyche that are tried and true (for the most part). I can’t promise they’ll help you get you lucky, but it can’t hurt to have a few more tricks up your sleeve. Right?!?
1. “Fine” is never an appropriate answer when we ask you how we look.
2. We go to the bathrooms in groups. Deal with it. Think of it as a commercial break.
3. Female upkeep costs some serious cash money. And yes. Waxing hurts. In fact, it can be the subject of nightmares.
4. Yes. We’re judging your outfit… and if you think it’s okay to wear running sneakers in a bar, we’re judging that, too.
5. If you ask us out directly – especially when you exercise your vocal cords and actually pick up a phone to do it verbally and not just via text – we will usually say yes.
6. Any woman that is worth your effort will not wait around for you to eventually show it.
7. It is not a myth. When we have our periods, we are 10 more times likely to cut a bitch. So tread lightly.
8. Only Rockstars are allowed to wear leather pants.
9. Calling another girl a slut only makes us think you’d do the same to us.
10. Most of us understand the fact unless it’s a g-string and/or pasties, you don’t really care what we’re wearing. But pretending you do care is welcomed. We like it when you do, even if you're just pretending.
11. If we sleep with you, we believe without a doubt you owe us a text. (Even if we don’t actually want it.) If we stay over, you owe us breakfast.
12. If you do something bad and we seem cool with it, we’re not. If you have to ask if we're ticked or not, we are.
13. No matter what she may tell you, once you lose a girl’s trust, chances are you will never get it back.
14. A good manicure can change the course of our whole day.
15. We talk a lot about sex. Probably more than you do.
16. Oral is a good “get out of the dog house” card. Manolo Blahnik shoes work well too.
17. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches the color of your eyes.
18. How you treat the women in your family is a direct indication of how you will treat us.
19. We will always trust our guy friends to keep it real.
20. To sum up a woman’s take on shaving in the winter… “ain’t nobody got time for that.”
21. Lead. Don’t follow. We are attracted to leaders. It’s in our DNA, and it makes you more interesting. Being a man-child/crybaby is never attractive.
22. Unless you’re at a beach or a gym, when she says she’s not wearing makeup, she’s full of it.
23. A guy with a pretty face may be fun, but a guy with some wit is lethal. A guy with both... Killer combo. 
24. She may not have “liked” that picture, but she probably saw it.
25. Hoes before bros. Always.
And here's one more… just because I’m feeling generous.

Even at our weakest, we’re stronger than you give us credit for.

You’re welcome…



"Give me a firm spot on which to stand, and I shall move the earth." - Archimedes. Now feel free to tell me my hair looks nice even if you're just pretending. Because women like that. You should also feel free to paint me like one of your French girls...  ;-) 




Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Another one of Life's important questions... Answered.


Ever ask yourself some of those important questions in life? 

Like: Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?


Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?


Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?


Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?


I don’t know. 


Really. I don’t. But if any of you know the answer to any of these, please feel free to share.


I like asking questions. I used to do it for a living, and I’ve been told I still do it a lot. What can I say – chalk it up to habit, and being inquisitive by nature. According to my mother, one of my first words was, "why". That  probably explains a lot. 


Someone asked me a question the other day that got me thinking. I know. That can be dangerous, but I like questions that make me think. So what was the question, you ask? 


Is it ever okay to put your feet against, on, or over the seat in front of me in a movie theater. 


(Bonus points for the specificity of the question. I like that too). 


Chances are, whenever you walk into a half-filled theater you’ll see at least 10-20% of the people there with their feet either resting against the seats, or fully draped over the seats in front of them. Am I right? In the spirit of full disclosure, I LOVE movies! They are my passion, and the movie theater auditorium is my cathedral. I should probably say I think it would be outright selfish, self-centered, and disrespectful to rest my feet against, or on, or drape them over the seat in front of me in my cathedral.  


But that wouldn’t be honest. 


In most cases, I’m all for it. 


What. I've got long legs. 


I don’t care what the teenage usher tells you, if there aren’t people in your immediate vicinity and you feel like throwing your leg over the seat in front of you – I say GO for it! In fact, I say get settled in, push back on your seat until you’re able to assume the position that feels the closest to the one you normally assume when you’re using your couch and coffee table at home while you're at it. 


Don’t act surprised. 


You paid $18 (or more) to watch whatever it is you're watching on the big screen with the sound system booming. I think you deserve to feel good while you’re doing it.  That is, as long as it doesn’t affect the good time of others.


And this is where this question gets a little complicated. Because unfortunately, there ARE some leg-drapers/resters out there without any common sense or manners who give the rest of us an assholian reputation (if that’s not a word it should be). 


So, lets go over some situations in which it is absolutely not okay under ANY circumstances for you to rest your feet against, or on or drap over the seat in front of you.


1. There is someone sitting directly in front of you.


DUH! 


2. The theater is filling up and it’s clear new arrivals are interested in sitting where your feet are. 


DUH!


3. There is someone trying to make their way out of the aisle and they need you to move your freaking leg.


Say it with me... 

DUH!

Those are all no-brainers. Right? But what if it’s more complicated than that? Is it okay to rest your feet on the seat in front of you if there is someone sitting diagonal from where you are now in the same half-filled theater?  


First of all, I'm going to say what the rest of you are thinking right now. Whoever is sitting down on a diagonal like that is a weirdo considering how many quality open seats there are still left - but that's beside the point. I'm going to say yes - The weirdo IS allowed to put one foot on the chair in front of him/her. Why? (Told you I like that question). Because the other movie patron is sitting on a diagonal, the weirdo is well within his/her rights to place a foot on the outside of the seat in front, allowing for half a seat buffer and maintaining an appropriate personal space buffer zone. 


So there you go... 


Another one of Life's important questions... Answered. I know you feel so much better now.


You're welcome. ;-)







Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Things that make you go, Hmmmmm....


I’ve been getting reacquainted with my old friend, Insomnia, the past few weeks. Some might take advantage of all that extra time to reorganize closets, create some apps that will make millions of dollars, write a novel, or catch up on important historical television programs like “North and South” Books 1 & 2 which have been airing on Encore.
What. 
Someone told me they were on. I didn’t say I actually watched it. Ok. So maybe I caught a few snippets here and there. Don’t judge.
What have I been doing with those extra hours when I’m not getting my bad tv mini-series ON? Well… I’ll tell you.
(By the way, Insomnia and I have lots of conversations like this...and they’re fabulous.)
I think.
I think about lots of things.
Important things.
Like spontaneous combustion.
Do you know dozens of people spontaneously combust each year? It’s just not really widely reported. Just ask Peter James Bond – a drummer for Spinal Tap. Oh, Riiiiight. You can’t ask him. Because he went up like a flash of green light during a Blues /Jazz Festival on the Isle of Lucy.

Poor Peter James Bond. Thinking about that green globule he left behind on his drum seat got me thinking about what else might spontaneously combust besides humans and laptops.
What else spontaneously combusts, you ask? (see… told you insomnia and I have the BEST conversations)
Pistachios.
Yes. You read that right. 
Pistachios: Delicious snack, or ticking time bomb?
In fact, pistachios are so likely to burst into flames that there are strict shipping codes to keep them from doing so. I looked into it. I'll attach some links in a bit if you're interested in reading more about it yourself. You're welcome.
Think about THAT next time you’re scarfing down that pistachio-flavored ice cream. Although why would you be eating pistachio ice cream when there are other flavors out there anyway?  Like mint chocolate chip, cookie dough, or vanilla. Maybe you should think about the terrible price of your sweet treat. Sure… it’s cool and sweet – and green – what’s that all about anyway?
But unprocessed pistachios can be dangerous. Under the right conditions, they've been known to heat enough that they spontaneously combust. Yes, you read that right. In fact, ships have a host of conditions they have to meet when they transport pistachios to keep them from going kaboom!
I started doing a little research with all that extra time I have on my hands right now hanging out with Insomnia while the rest of you are sleeping. In fact, there seem to be no end to the ways pistachios can kill. Just having them in an enclosed space can suffocate someone. I know. Right?!? They take in oxygen and excrete carbon dioxide, even after they've been harvested. Ships have to keep them in a well-ventilated place so they don't suck all the air out of a place and suffocate cabin boys.
They also have to be kept under the right temperature and pressure conditions. Pistachios have a low water content and a high fat content. Water doesn't burn, but fat does. There may seem like a logical solution to this. Ships go over oceans, lakes, and rivers, so the humidity should bring up the water content and everything should be okay, right? WRONG!
When the water content in pistachios gets too large, fat-cleaving enzymes kick in. The fat-cleaving enzymes produce free fatty acids, and those fatty acids are broken down when the nut takes in oxygen and spits out carbon dioxide. During that process it also spits out water, which makes more fat-cleaving enzymes kick in. What's more, that process of breaking down the fatty acid, taking in oxygen and putting out carbon dioxide has a more common name - burning. The process gives off a lot of heat, and that heat builds and builds until the entire bunch of nuts catches fire and sometimes explodes!
I’ll close with this… because this is something I know you’re all wondered before too. Because of this danger pistachios, and other nuts, need to be kept at just the right temperature, pressure and humidity on ocean voyages. Otherwise, it's to Davy Jones' locker with all of ye. And there be no pistachio ice cream there.
Ok… Maybe it’s time to cut back on the caffeine a little. 



Thursday, October 24, 2013

Ten things I have learned from Horror Movies...

So… it’s another sleepless night, and I’m getting ready to watch a movie. Kingdom of the Spiders. Oh yeah, you read that right. Not familiar with it? Me neither. According to the IMDb plot summary, an Arizona vet discovers his town lies in the path of hoards of migrating tarantulas while investigating the mysterious deaths of a number of farm animals. Before he can take action the streets are overrun by killer spiders enraged by the misuse of pesticides, leaving a small group of townspeople trapped in a remote hotel.
What.

A bad 1970’s “nature on the rampage” sci-fi/horror film is calling to me right now.  Something tells me the special effects in the stop action animation Star Wars trilogy my friends and I made when we were kids were better. I want to make sure. Besides…It’s got William Shatner in it!!! I almost HAVE to watch it. 
Here's a little "taste" 
Come on. Click on it. You know you want to... 
Because William Freaking Shatner!!!

I watch a lot of horror and monster movies, and have since I was a very small child. That probably explains a lot.  I like it all – silent German Expressionist masterpieces like Nosferatu and The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari; Lon Chaney and his groundbreaking makeup artistry; Vincent Price; Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee in all those B-movies from Hammer Studios; the teen screams…

You get the idea. I’m a fan. And the more blood and guts the better! Over the years of watching many a horror movie, I’ve learned some good things. Things that just make sense when you think about it. So grab your pens and jot down my list. You never know… it might come in handy some day.

10. Never EVER buy a house that has a basement or an attic because that is where the bad stuff happens. Think about it. Have you ever seen a horror movie where good things happen in the basement or attic?  No. Those are the places people get tortured and killed. It’s also where the ghosts all migrate to. It’s simple logic. And if you hear a noise upstairs and you know you are home by yourself, GET OUTTA THE HOUSE! If you go wandering up the stairs asking, “Hello, is anyone up there?” you pretty much deserve to get mangled for being the dumbass that you are. It’s called thinning the herd.
9. Do not clone predatory dinosaurs and expect things to go well right out of the gate. Seriously, here - in the movie Raptor, they’re trying to clone “dinosaurs with a brain” to do heavy labor and generally become grunt workers for mankind. Okay. If you’re a MORON I guess that sounds like a good plan. So they start with… wait for it – Velociraptors and Tyrannosaurus Rex. Because you KNOW that ten-ton killing machine is totally going to use sentience to go “sure, tiny meat-snack man, I’ll work my tail off for you!” If you’re going to clone dinosaurs, please start with a plant-eater.

8. If you are hiding from something of the flesh and blood variety, shut the hell up! Don’t sit there whimpering and crying because, NEWSFLASH, they can hear you!

7. Large breasted women usually get killed first, and almost always naked. What’s the first rule of negotiation? It’s called leverage. No one makes it far in horror movies without something that gives him/her value. Whether it is a prized object, a weapon, or simply clothes – if you have no bargaining power you WILL die. So keep some clothes on. They can give you something to bargain with.
6. The only way to kill a zombie is by shooting them in the head. I thought this was just common sense… but apparently some people are still unaware of this fact. You can also cut off their heads. But for the sake of simplicity – if you are being chased by a zombie aim for the head! 

5. I like snakes. I am, in fact, a snake fan! That being said, I have no illusions about the fact that the two snakes I’ve owned would have happily eaten me if the situation presented itself. There's actually a species of anaconda that's managed to figure out, all on its own, that people are made of meat. Researchers were disappearing in South America at one point, because while the snake had made this impressive leap of logic, it hadn't told anybody that lived. In short: giant snakes are a bad, bad, bad idea. Do not do it.

4. I also like swamps. I am pro-squishy, marshy, horrible places where I can romp around in ankle-deep goo. I do not go into swamps while drunk. I do not go into swamps where people have recently disappeared. I do not go into swamps alone when there's any chance that the swamp harbors a secret clan of cannibals that has been eating swamp-goers for generations. You shouldn't do these things, either.

3. Do not poke the slime that fell from space. Let someone else do it, while you stand at a safe distance and get ready to run like hell. Actually, unexplained slime is pretty much never ever Ever EVER a good thing, as it means either "alien blob," "alien drool," "leaking nuclear power plant," "flesh-eating disease and there's a skeleton under there"...yeah, all of these things are just not good. So do not poke.
2. There is NO reason to run in high heels across broken or uneven ground. Maybe if your choices are "high heels" or "barefoot in the junkyard"… but that's just a maybe. If you step on a nail that's gonna suck, but if you're scared enough, it's not gonna slow you down one bit. You’re running for your life, you don’t need to look that good. If you break a heel, on the other hand, you're gonna fall down and the man with the hook for the hand is going to catch your ass. High heels get you gutted. This has been a safety announcement. You’re welcome.


1. When all else fails, use your head. If it looks like a creepy old house, it usually is. If you get a bad vibe when you go into some place, go with it and leave. If you walk through the front door and you hear an evil voice say, “Get out” take that advice and GET OUT.
So there you have it, 10 things I’ve learned from watching horror movies. And why is it the scariest movies are the PG-13 movies, not the R rated ones? If you have anything to add to the list, feel free, I’m always up for learning something new!
And here's a Scary Movie Supercut.
Sorry... No William Shatner in this one ;-)