Why do we fall?

I walked down to the beach yesterday…

It’s something I don’t do nearly enough given my close proximity to it. I spread out my towel, plopped myself down, and let the sun start warming up my skin. I could hear the waves of the Pacific Ocean rolling in. I could smell the salt air. I looked out on what is truly, a spectacular view…

And I started cry.

Really?!?

This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. I’ve had so many opportunities. Opportunities that many people never get to experience. I live in a town that looks like it could be on a Hollywood back lot… with a beach. I should be feeling pretty good. Because life is good. Instead, I felt empty and cold. I let feelings of negativity fill my mind. I have no idea what I want to do next professionally and it’s starting to freak me out. Another article I’d written… rejected. I put myself out there again for someone and I’m really confused.

I felt alone and very vulnerable.

I thought about how many more failures I would have to experience before I started to feel “more enlightened” like all the self-help books say. How many more times I’m going to be willing risk letting myself be seen by someone.

You get the idea. I had a pretty spectacular pity party.  And then went home, opened a bottle of wine, and beat myself up FOR feeling sorry for myself. Because I should be better than that. Right?!?

Not so much. And I know that… most days, when I’m not having a pity party, on a beautiful Southern California beach on a sunny day in a town that looks like a Hollywood back lot.

But this is the world we live in. The one in which we pretend everything is always okay. We broadcast idealized images of ourselves, and then compare ourselves with the idealized images of other people and feel like we don’t measure up. We let ourselves believe it’s not okay to admit our failures and our passions. Instead, we act invincible…like nothing can ever hurt us. We hide by getting lost in work, our families, or our friends. We distract ourselves with Facebook and Twitter. I get it. I’ve done it too. They can all be nice shields to hide behind.

Being honest about everything you feel is tough, and sometimes it hurts. A LOT. Still, I think its more painful to hide your pain inside – to watch the person you love, or the place you want to be from a distance...because you’re trapped. Trapped by your fears about the possibilities of heartbreak and pain.

I rediscovered a quote the other day by Theodore Roosevelt from a famous speech he gave in 1910. I’m glad I did, because I needed a little smack in the face yesterday and today as I kept my pity party going.

Anyone who enters The Arena of life is going to get their ass kicked. That’s just the way it is. Life will take whatever it can from you if you let it. It’ll steal your dreams, it’ll change your priorities, it’ll crush your ideas of romance. But if you decide to numb all of your anxieties and pretend to feel nothing… you’ll miss out on what makes us human. And I think that’s vulnerability.

There are a lot of definitions of vulnerability out there. But this is what I think it is. Vulnerability isn’t about being cool. It’s not about Facebook likes and making everything seem okay. It’s about telling the truth – YOUR truth… from the bottom of your heart, because you want to do it. It means saying and doing exactly what you feel, even if you potentially leave yourself with nothing. It’s about doing things with your heart and with honesty. It’s about celebrating those fleeting moments in time, loving someone fiercely, and fully engaging in a life that doesn’t come with any guarantees. It’s about letting yourself be seen, and that can be terrifying… because there are a lot of risks involved when you do that, and often pain too. But is it as terrifying as getting to the end of your life only to realize you’ve never bothered to show up?

Too many people today are afraid of real feelings and that makes me sad. Connection is why we are here. We’re hardwired for it. It gives meaning and purpose to life. Too many people don’t chase love or passion anymore, probably out of fear – fear of looking stupid, fear of failure, fear of rejection.  I know a lot of people who are miserable because they aren’t being true to themselves. I’ve been there.

Be vulnerable. Tell someone the truth. Say how you feel. Chase your dream. Don’t just be an observer in your own life. Show up. Be seen. It takes a lot of guts to do that… but each time you do, it gets a little easier. That’s what I’m starting to figure out, anyway.

Why do we fall?

Day by day. Step by step. I become a little more unbroken. And even though I still fall. I fall a lot… I fall forward. Then I pick myself up. I’m in The Arena. Join me.

Jump, and you will find out how to unfold your wings as you fall...

I wish I could take credit for that sentence, but I can’t. Ray Bradbury wrote it. 

So brilliant. 

So simple. 

So true. 

Why is it so easy to lose sight of some of the things that should be so simple in this whirlwind we call life?

I know it’s only February, but 2014 hasn’t exactly gotten off to the start I was hoping for – and not just because I’ve been sick. I feel like I haven’t been focused. I’ve been spending too much time in my head (not a place you want to be – trust me). I've been frustrated. Making excuses for why things aren’t the way I want them to be.

I’ve been drifting... 

But spending time with my nephew Chaz last week reminded me of one of the simple truths in life I've managed to let slip through the cracks.

Jump, and you will find out how to unfold your wings as you fall…

Chaz was teaching me how to play Flying Gecko Football. Yes. You read that right. Flying Gecko Football. In Chaz’s world, gecko’s have wings and can fly. Of course they can… because why not?!?

The game is pretty simple. To play, you climb up on the arm of your couch holding your football that is actually an egg with special powers like spinning webs, and then you jump with the special football/egg as far as you can.

Flying Gecko Football!!!

I warned Chaz to be careful, because sometimes landing can be a little bumpy – even with a football/egg that can spin webs… but he wasn’t afraid. He took the starting position, and jumped.

I’m sure you can guess what came next. Let’s just say it was a bumpy landing. Flying Gecko was down. And yes… there were tears.

Aunt Marena – aka Lego Spider (apparently, that’s the other player in Flying Gecko Football) picked up the injured lizard to make sure there wasn’t any serious damage. As I was rocking Chaz back and forth (because he’s still little enough barely to let me) he looked up at me and through his tears said, “Sometimes it hurts to land, doesn’t it? My wings went back into my body too soon. Let’s do it again.”

So brilliant. 

So simple. 

So true.

Thank you, Chaz. I’ve been spending so much time in my head, I lost sight of that for awhile.

We all hunt for advice on a daily basis, constantly asking friends, colleagues, family members - even strangers - what they think we should do about this, that or the other. We hope they might enlighten us by offering up some fantastic motto or unique insight that will change our perspectives and attitudes for the better. But let’s be honest, that rarely ever happens.

Instead, the advice we usually get encourages us to play it safe. We’re told not to wander too far off the beaten path. We’re encouraged to steer clear of impulsive decisions, not to take chances until we’re ready.

Is anyone ever ready?

It can be scary to make decisions confidently, to choose your own path and to commit to your own judgment. I think the reason we receive the advice we do at times is that the purveyor of advice wants to be right just as much as you don’t want to fail. So, when you tell someone to play it safe, maybe it seems that nobody loses, but in truth, nobody wins.

Maybe you’ve already taken that big step to do something you want to do, something you’re passionate about. It’s ambitious, which is the best part about it. You know it won’t be easy, but you can’t wait to get started and try and make something of it… and more importantly, of yourself. Then, out of the blue, come the people (quite often your friends), who wish they had the determination and willpower to do what you're attempting, and who try to plant those seeds of doubt in your mind. It’s probably not out of spite or jealousy… but out of their own self-appeasement.

I like words… but can’t is NOT a word I’m fond of. So I say don’t listen to anyone who says you can’t do something. They’re just afraid you might actually do it.

The only thing standing in the way of everything you want in life is yourself. If you don’t like something… change it. It’s really as simple as that. So go with your gut. If you feel it’s right, it probably is. And if it isn’t… it’s not the end of the world.

Learn.

Then jump again.

And again.

Your wings will unfold as you fall.  

Thank you for reminding me, Chaz.

A little Chazzle Dazzle makes EVERYTHING better!

Not another New Year's Resolution List...

It’s a New Year! With each new year brings another opportunity to set new goals, to redefine yourself, to start with a clean slate, to... wait for it... write another chapter on those blank pages of the “next year of your life”. 

Blah. Blah. Blah. 

I wanted my first blog post of 2014 be something uplifting and inspiring...Something I could use to motivate myself to write a kick ass chapter on those “blank pages” in the book of my life. But I changed my mind. I'm all about setting goals. But New Year's "resolutions"?!? Not so much. They never work. At least, not for me. 

Instead, I'd like to explore another topic. A topic inspired by conversations I had with several friends while catching up over the holidays. Before I get started, I feel I need to make this disclaimer now... I was on heavy cold meds for pretty much ALL of December - especially during the holidays season when many of these conversations took place. So Nyquil may have inspired some of this too.

Are you ready? Here is goes…

Why don’t men today have any balls?

Maybe I’m old-fashioned, or have just watched too many Audrey Hepburn movies. But I believe men should go after what they want. The more I look around, the less I see men treating women the way I know most of them were raised to treat us. What happened to those romantic gestures and bold moves? What happened to pulling out chairs and holding doors? What happened to walking on the outside of the sidewalk, closest to the street? When did it become acceptable to just text a woman, inviting her to “hang out”? (translation - come over and let's bang). 

I know what some of you are thinking. I’ve read the studies on why chivalry is dead too. Men are apparently "afraid" of offending women when they exhibit old-fashioned manners and offer up their seat on a subway, or ask if they can carry those heavy bags up the stairs. In the name of feminism, I believe it’s fine for women to ask men out if they feel comfortable with that. I'm not... but to each their own. I'm capable of carrying my own bags, but what can I say… part of me is still “girly”.  It's nice when someone asks if I need a hand. I’m not ashamed of it. And that girly part of me can’t help but want to be courted. What happened to a guy going after a girl until she agrees to give him a chance?

I can feel some of your eyes rolling right now. You're thinking about that scene in The Notebook. You know the scene I’m talking about… 

Corny? Maybe. But it’s only corny if we make it corny. Personally, I think it’s heroic to put yourself out there, even if that means getting turned down. I know it’s not easy, guys. Over the years most of my good friends have been men. I’ve heard their stories about the different ways they’ve gotten shot down. I've watched it happen. It can be brutal. 

But guys… Not all women are bitches. Some of us understand it shows masculinity and bravery to put yourself out there and fight for something you want.

Seems like a lot of men these days are waiting for women to come to them. When did men stop caring about love and start caring so much about their egos? Don’t they understand they are just denying themselves that slim possibility of finding real happiness? They’re letting their pride get in the way before they even have a chance to fall.

After hearing some of the adventures - and in some cases, misadventure of friends while embracing my Nyquil high over the holidays, I decided to conduct my own informal, and not very scientific study. So I polled some friends (women and men - with an impressive sample size of 11) to try to find out some of the possible reason men have LOST their balls:

They don’t know what they want:

Which is okay... because that's where they are. They may just want to have meaningless sex for the rest of their lives. Because marriage is outdated, stupid, and a real man never settles for just one woman. Right? That’s it, marriage is outdated, marriage is stupid and real men never settle for one woman. But just because you don’t want to marry her doesn’t mean you can’t date her. We understand that marriage is becoming an outdated institution, but shouldn’t that just be more reason for grand gestures?

They think they’re going to get another chance: 

They think that connections will keep happening. They think that meeting girls they're interested in will be a reoccurring theme throughout their lives. Newsflash, guys. It doesn't work that way. Finding someone worth liking doesn’t happen every day. You could be throwing away your one chance to find that special someone because you think you might run into her again or there are plenty of others out there just like her. But when you're 40-something and still chasing the bottle service bimbos at the bars hoping to find her again it might not be that easy to find her. Because she'll be off with the guy who had the balls to go after her. And you'll just be THAT guy. The weird old guy at the bar. Don't be THAT guy.

Social Media:

Men have become desensitized to women because they are everywhere now. Why work hard when you can just Tweet or Facebook message the next hottie that posts a selfie? In an ever-changing landscape of communication between 140 character tweets, LOLs and ROTFLs, it sometimes feels like we've lost our ability to communicate altogether. Doesn't anyone talk anymore? Text talking. NOT the same. Talking can actually be useful when you're trying to get to know someone new. Smartphones. They're not just good for texting and internet-surfing, guys. You can actually use them to make telephone calls. 

Mother Issues:

Enough said.

They Bruise Easily:

Men are actually fragile creatures. Their egos bruise easily. When women get a broken heart they cry about it, drive their girlfriends crazy analyzing what happened, do some retail therapy, and try to move on. With men, once a girl breaks their heart they are tainted forever. They lose trust in all women and are afraid to put themselves out there again. But that's not how you live life, guys. Yes... putting yourself out there can be scary. It can make you vulnerable, and that can lead to getting hurt. But without the risk, where is the reward? 

So there you have it... The results of my Nyquil-fueled non-scientific study into why men today have no balls. But before I close, I have a few things to say to the ladies out there. What is the biggest reason men today have no balls?  

The real problem here is that women, for one reason or another, have become complacent and allowed men to get away with putting in the minimum effort. We've let them think its okay not to have to put in the effort of romantic gestures, dates, flowers, etc... and if they do - we talk about them like they're stage-five clingers. Ladies... if a guy wants to take you out to dinner, it might actually be because he's a nice guy and he wants to spend some time with you. I know?!? But it makes sense. Think about it. 

Maybe this year women should make a resolution/goal/whatever New Year self-motivation mantra that works for them and wise up and start asking for what they deserve. You know, the things that used to be automatic - like holding a door, pulling out a chair, paying for dinners. Until then, men are going to keep getting away with putting up with the bare minimum and still getting what they ultimately want, anyway.

S-E-X 

We own the cards, ladies. When we start acting like it... maybe we'll finally start getting dinner from places that don't deliver. A tractor chicken race would be cool too. Actually, maybe not THAT cool. This scene always cracks me up, though. Sometimes, it's the little things... ;-) 

Save me, Bea Arthur... You're my only hope.

I’ve heard about it for years. Turned down invitations to Cosplay Wookiee Life Day parties just trying to stay away from it. I thought I would have the strength to continue along my path of blissful ignorance forever. Stay pure. But this year, I couldn’t resist it’s power.

The power… of the Star Wars Holiday Special.

I know!!!

WHY?!?!?!?!?

What can I say. I was weak. (And baking surrounded by booze).

I thought I was prepared. My expectations were low. That’s where I went wrong. WAY wrong. I shouldn’t have had ANY expectations. I was hoping it would be bad in a “so bad it’s good kinda way” – you know, like a Nicholas Cage movie. It's Star Wars!!! Some people who know me would say I'm a little bit of a fan. 

I mean... how bad could it be? The stories can't all be true. 

Let me just say… WOW! 

Now I understand why it has never been re-broadcast since it first aired in 1978 or released for sale. I understand why one writer wrote, "I'm not convinced the special wasn't ultimately written and directed by a sentient bag of cocaine". (That was a fun sentence for me to type, by the way). Why George Lucas himself has reportedly said, "If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every copy of that show and smash it." Granted, the bootleg version (which is the only kind you can get) wasn't the best quality... but I don't think seeing it in HD would have helped. 

Trust me.

I found myself staring at the screen with my mouth open. Nothing made any sense. We're on Kashyyyk...Chewbacca's home planet where his family is scurrying around a treehouse with astroturf carpet. The first 10 minutes are spoken in Wookiee without subtitles, and I can't understand what they're trying to say with they're hand gestures. I'm so confused! 

We meet Chewie's wife, who is wearing an apron and watching a weird cooking show where a 4-legged humanoid played by Harvey Korman is cooking Bantha Surprise. Chewie's son, Lumpy, is playing with a holographic table that shows acrobats in neon. Chewie's grandpa, Itchy, has what I'm going to call a special moment watching a hologram of a discoed-out Diahann Cannon and we find out he likes his ladies shaved.

No. I'm not making this up. 

And that's when things got REALLY weird... 

Two words: 

Jefferson Starship

I'll just leave that there for you to ponder in case some of you want to experience the joy, that IS the Star Wars Holiday Special yourself. I don't want to ruin all the surprises. I will tell you that Chewbacca and Han are trying to get back to Kashyyyk to celebrate Life Day, which is like Thanksgiving for Wookiees, but the Empire keeps getting in the way. I thought it would get better when Luke, Leia, and some of the other characters from the original trilogy showed. Not so much.

Luke Skywalker. 

Wearing guyliner. 

Princess Leia. 

Singing. 

And obviously high from inhaling some of that white powder on Hoth. 

Boba Fett made his debut in animated form.

I liked that. He was kind of pastel and had a Loch Ness Monster for a side-kick... 

But he was still BOBA FREAKING FETT!

I wanted to stick around for Bea Arthur, I really did...because Bea Arthur as a Wookiee would be pretty sweet! But I knew she wasn't playing a Wookiee. And after an hour, I'd had about as much of the Star Wars Holiday Special as I could take. 

What can I say. I was alone. And I used all the booze is for the cookies.

Thank you, George Lucas. During the holiday season everyone is doing their part to spread cheer. But the Universe demands balance, as you know. Because THE FORCE! All the sadness and cruelty in the world have to go somewhere. Thanks to you, all that negative energy has just gone into my computer and exited as the Star Wars Holiday Special. 

While I'm giving thanks to George I feel I should apologize to him too. So here it is: 

I'm sorry, George Lucas. You really aren't all about the money. Because if you were, you would release the Star Wars Holiday Special on Blue Ray for those fans who MUST have a complete collection of EVERYTHING Star Wars - even all the versions you changed when you didn't really need to. You could even release multiple versions of the Holiday Special if you wanted to... with different special features each time: like what guyliner is Mark Hamill's personal fave; Harrison Ford's commentary on what he really thought of getting stuck participating; and whatever it was Carrie Fisher was doing to prepare before the direction called "action". But you didn't. So I was wrong about you, George Lucas. You aren't ALL about the money. 

But....

HAN SHOT FIRST!!!!!!! 

If any of you would like a little taste, or experience the crazy all over again... here you go. 

Happy Holidays! And may the Force be with You... Always... 

:-)

Save me the turkey neck, Clark...

It’s hard to believe, but it’s that time again. I know!!!!  It's “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year!”

Who came up with that phrase, anyway?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Bueller?

I’ll bet it was a New Yorker. Or maybe it was a sarcastic, simplistic, yet creative genius much like…

No. I’m not talking about myself. Although I suppose the phrase could’ve been coined by a woman. I did say sarcastic, remember? And that doesn’t sound like me at all. But who really cares. It’s not what I want to talk about right now.

The holidays are upon us, and heading home can often be a stressful process. First you have to make travel arrangements. 

Stressful. 

If you're flying you have to deal with long lines at the airport. 

Stressful.

Then you get to deal with TSA screenings that can be interesting at times. (Is it normal for the screener to ask you to lift your shirt?)  

All just to get home to face your family. That can be scary. Especially when two words are involved:

Family. Dinner.

For some, family dinners may be something they look forward to - especially during the holidays. But for countless others, the experience of having your immediate and extended family members under one roof, fighting over who gets the turkey neck can be as painful as a root canal. 

If you fall into that category don’t lose heart.

You are not alone!

There are plenty of others out there who make the long (or short) journey home to have dinner with a group of people who just don't get you. You braved hours of traffic. Waited in those long lines at the airport. Survived those sensual TSA screenings... all in order to share a fabulously amazing meal at home and catch up with your nearest and dearest.

Riiiiiiiight.

It’s never fabulously amazing, is it? The turkey is dry. The vegetables are vegetables. The cranberry sauce is from the can. I mean. Come ON! I sat on a crowded plane for hours with someone kicking the back of the seat for hours while the woman next to me got hammered at told me her entire life story then tried to set me up with her brother - a plumber, who she said would be happy to come over and take care of my pipes for free... anytime. At least order dinner from Marie Calendar's. 

But it’s too late. You have no other choice to but to accept it. You’re home. And you’re probably the most interesting and most judgmental one at the table. At this very second your cousin is probably reading an article on how to deal with my “from-the-big-city-I-think-I-am-too-fabulous-family-member”.

So buckle up. Prepare yourself for stimulating dinner conversation about marriage, houses, kids, babies, school systems, politics, and healthcare.gov.

And let’s not forget about the questions.

THE QUESTIONS!!

I don’t know about you, but I believe subtlety is important when answering those inevitable questions that come along with those family holiday dinners. It’s ok. Take some deep breaths. Calm down, ask for more wine, and feel free to use some of the following responses I've used over the years to get me through:

“Why are you so dressed up?”

You can respond to this with something like, “You’re so sweet! I realized when I was packing all of my nice clothes are still at the cleaners. I’ve had so many events, fundraisers, and parties to go… I mean – does it ever stop?! I’ve got a bunch of New Year's Eve parties coming up too when I get back...so I should really find the time to go pick those up. I’m SO sorry I came so casually to dinner. That’s not usually my thing."

Now you can turn the tables. Why not? They already think you’re a b*tch. 

“Don’t you look cute, Sally! Boot-cut jeans?! That’s so cool. I LOVE vintage. Cousin Amy come over here. Check out her jeans. Shut up!!! They’re NOT vintage? Wow! I haven’t seen jeans like that since high school. We’ve got this FABULOUS vintage shop by me that has high-rise vintage flares from the 70s. Those aren’t high-rise are they? Yeah, I didn’t think so.”

You can continue along these lines and whatever you do... do NOT stop talking about yourself and your dry cleaner until the family member you aren't in the mood to talk to walks away.  

At some point, you can expect this stupid question from everyone at the table that already knows the answer.

“So? Tell us, who are you dating?”

Take the high road. Respond with something along the lines of, “I’m exploring my options. I’ve found a few worthy of my time, but why should I settle? Britney, your wedding was just beautiful, by the way!”

You could also say, "I'm still getting over my breakup with Ryan Gosling/Joseph Gordon-Levitt/whatever celebrity you want to insert here. He really broke my heart". Bonus points if you throw in a few tears. Works every time.

Time for more wine? I thought so too. 

Because there will always be at least one family member who refuses to give up on the subject of your love life. Prepare for another stupid question:

“Where are you meeting people?”

Between us, let’s be honest...Tinder, J-Date, beer pong at your local hipster bar. But it's okay to keep the truth to yourself and politely answer, “Oh, you know, conferences, church, all the charity events I've been going to and that's why all my nice clothes are at the cleaners. I meet people all the time!" 

Feel free to turn the tables again by asking some questions of your own. Look at your cousin's manicure and casually say, "I love that color! That's OPI's, 'I'm Not Really a Whore,' right?" 

She'll probably be very confused. Everyone at the table is going to be confused. PERFECT! Keep asking questions. Then talk about yourself, but keep things vague, and only use one-word answers.

Then, expect this stupid question from someone: 

“When are you going to settle down, get married, have a family, and move to the suburbs?”

Respond with, “When I decide life is no longer worth living.”

At this point, NO ONE at the table should want to talk to you, but unfortunately, these topics might still come up:

“My friend just had a baby!” says your overly excited cousin, Michael. To which you can reply, “What a nightmare! Having to cart around a baby stroller? No thanks."

"I just got engaged!"  You answer, "Congratulations! I didn't even notice your ring. Come closer so I can see it. It's beautiful." 

“You still don't eat meat?" You 
reply, “Relevance?” Which will totally lead to awkward silence...which is awesome because you are TOTALLY DOMINATING the table right now. 

Congratulations. You have survived. Until next year... And maybe Aunt Bethany will still be around to say grace.

Remember what I said earlier about sarcastic not sounding like me at all. Maybe I was wrong about that.  ;-) 

Women really aren't that complicated guys...

“The mysteries of a woman’s heart are as deep and unfathomable as the depths of the ocean.”

At least that’s what one of my oldest and dearest male friends seems to think, because that sentence actually came out of his mouth. We got a chance to catch up recently, and as is usually the case when I hear from him – he was looking for a little “insight into deciphering the “complexities of the feminine mind” (again, his words - he's a lawyer, so I try to cut him some slack for his tendency to overpopulate sentences with polysyllabic words).

First, I gave him some well-deserved grief for seeing Titanic a “few” too many times… because I just had to. I mean, really?!? He knows how I feel about Leo. Did he think I wouldn’t know where that line came from?  Although I did give him props for embellishing the line a bit. James Cameron - great action director... great screenwriter, not so much (in my opinion). And for those of you who have NO idea what I’m talking about…watch Titanic sometime. 

It’s not the first time I’ve heard a man say it’s impossible to figure out how a woman thinks, but let me tell you a little secret, guys... 

We’re not that complicated. 

Yes, we're biologically different. Yes, our brains are wired differently. Our mental, emotional, and aesthetic needs might be different too. Each and every one of us is unique, but there are some truths that just seem to speak to the majority. So for all of you guys out there pondering the “complexities of a woman’s mind" – because come ON. We KNOW that’s what you do – let me shed a little light on the subject.

Here are 25 facts, in no particular order, about the female psyche that are tried and true (for the most part). I can’t promise they’ll help you get you lucky, but it can’t hurt to have a few more tricks up your sleeve. Right?!?

1. “Fine” is never an appropriate answer when we ask you how we look.

2. We go to the bathrooms in groups. Deal with it. Think of it as a commercial break.

3. Female upkeep costs some serious cash money. And yes. Waxing hurts. In fact, it can be the subject of nightmares.

4. Yes. We’re judging your outfit… and if you think it’s okay to wear running sneakers in a bar, we’re judging that, too.

5. If you ask us out directly – especially when you exercise your vocal cords and actually pick up a phone to do it verbally and not just via text – we will usually say yes.

6. Any woman that is worth your effort will not wait around for you to eventually show it.

7. It is not a myth. When we have our periods, we are 10 more times likely to cut a bitch. So tread lightly.

8. Only Rockstars are allowed to wear leather pants.

9. Calling another girl a slut only makes us think you’d do the same to us.

10. Most of us understand the fact unless it’s a g-string and/or pasties, you don’t really care what we’re wearing. But pretending you do care is welcomed. We like it when you do, even if you're just pretending.

11. If we sleep with you, we believe without a doubt you owe us a text. (Even if we don’t actually want it.) If we stay over, you owe us breakfast.

12. If you do something bad and we seem cool with it, we’re not. If you have to ask if we're ticked or not, we are.

13. No matter what she may tell you, once you lose a girl’s trust, chances are you will never get it back.

14. A good manicure can change the course of our whole day.

15. We talk a lot about sex. Probably more than you do.

16. Oral is a good “get out of the dog house” card. Manolo Blahnik shoes work well too.

17. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches the color of your eyes.

18. How you treat the women in your family is a direct indication of how you will treat us.

19. We will always trust our guy friends to keep it real.

20. To sum up a woman’s take on shaving in the winter… “ain’t nobody got time for that.”

21. Lead. Don’t follow. We are attracted to leaders. It’s in our DNA, and it makes you more interesting. Being a man-child/crybaby is never attractive.

22. Unless you’re at a beach or a gym, when she says she’s not wearing makeup, she’s full of it.

23. A guy with a pretty face may be fun, but a guy with some wit is lethal. A guy with both... Killer combo. 

24. She may not have “liked” that picture, but she probably saw it.

25. Hoes before bros. Always.

And here's one more… just because I’m feeling generous.

Even at our weakest, we’re stronger than you give us credit for.

You’re welcome…

"Give me a firm spot on which to stand, and I shall move the earth." - Archimedes. Now feel free to tell me my hair looks nice even if you're just pretending. Because women like that. You should also feel free to paint me like one of your French girls...  ;-) 

Photo | www.meghanmeredith.com